What Now?
It’s a rainy Sunday evening. My youngest is away enjoying his first solo trip out of the country with friends. My oldest is out doing his thing. I’m at home on the patio with a glass of wine, listening to the pitter patter of raindrops on the roof and relaxing in the comfortable embrace of peace. Suddenly, I am exceedingly aware of the quietness and the reality that this — this profound silence — will soon be my constant companion. The realization is like a sudden punch in the gut, and I hear my own stunned voice asking, “What now?”.
Over the last year, I have shared a great deal about my journey of self-discovery and the challenges encountered while trying to create a peaceful and balanced life. Now just as I am approaching alignment and am walking more firmly in this fresh identity, it suddenly hit me that I am quickly approaching another chapter of my life. With one child college bound and the other entering his last year of high school, I am coming to terms with the reality that I will soon be an empty nester. I wish someone had told me that the hardest part of motherhood is not when your children get older, but instead, it is having to acknowledge when they have grown up. How do I accept that my role is changing as I see their dependence on me gradually waning? I know that life lessons come with some bumps and bruises, but I don’t know if I am prepared to watch them stumble much less fall. I can only take comfort in knowing that I have prepared them the best I know how.
Despite placing more focus on myself, my onus as mother and provider have remained dominant in my self-portrait. Seeing my sons be more confident and more intentional about paving their own paths brings a deep sense of pride. But it also means emancipating pieces so central to my being that I barely remember myself before them. So, this brings me to the realization that it is time for me to turn the page and begin a new chapter. These pages cannot be as heavily influenced by their needs but must truly focus on my desires. The first pen strokes were tainted with shards of uncertainty, questioning “What now?”. As I grapple with figuring that out, I am slowing embracing the spirit of possibilities which is screaming in response, “Anything at all!”.