When Does Compromise Become Sacrifice?

I had a few girlfriends over recently for one of our regular catch-up sessions.  Despite our hectic schedules, we make it a point to meet up regularly just to unwind with a few cocktails and provide each other with updates on relationships, kids, work and everything in between.  This is when we have an opportunity to add additional context around the daily check-in group texts and get support or advice on whatever needs may exist in the moment. As usual, at some point during the evening, our conversation turned to the challenges in our romantic relationships or lack thereof.  I listened to each expressing frustrations with dating, the challenges in trying to establish a good relationship and some of the things they are no longer willing to tolerate or accept just to have a man. As I listened to each viewpoint, I eventually asked what I had been thinking. When does compromise become sacrifice?

As women, it’s imbedded in us early on that healthy relationships require compromise. We’re taught that it’s damn near impossible to be 100% authentic while successfully maintaining a happy long-term relationship.  We shouldn’t be too strong when expressing our needs and expectations. We should acknowledge, understand and accept when a man is trying his best.  If he’s a good man, then we should focus on his potential and how we can support his growth rather than where he stands in the moment.  This is such a prevalent belief that it’s not unusual to see daily posts addressing it on various social media platforms.  I always chuckle while reading the comments from women calling others materialistic and pointing out that their partners had nothing when they initially got married but they are now living the dream years later.  There are so many factors to consider that makes such a blanket statement very superficial.

While I agree wholeheartedly that all successful relationships require some type of compromise, I believe we sometimes make bad decisions because we are unclear on the difference between compromise and sacrifice.  This misconception is directly correlated to some of the breakups that we find so shocking because we struggle to understand why some long-term relationships end. It makes us more critical of individuals going through periods of awakening. Instead of recognizing and celebrating growth, we judge and label it as a midlife-crisis.  Imagine waking up one day and realizing that you have no idea who you are outside of someone else’s needs – that you have completely lost yourself in loving someone else. How can anyone be expected to be genuinely happy in any relationship without the ability to be exactly who they are or feeling as if it’s wrong to ask for whatever is needed for their happiness?

Could a compromise require altering some aspect of yourself - absolutely.  It may mean re-evaluating expectations and accepting that a change would be beneficial to both you and the relationship.  Does this mean that a woman should accept when a man is doing his best and support him in working toward his goals? Yes, if his goals align with hers but more importantly, if she would still be happy with him if those goals are never realized.  It doesn’t mean that a woman shouldn’t be with a man who is still growing. Afterall, life is about progress and we are all constantly evolving. However, I believe that once we reach a certain stage of development, who we are at the core never really changes.  With that said, compromising means that, even if he remains as is, he’s still enough. Still enough for her to remain happy. Still enough for her to feel fulfilled. Still enough for her to feel as if she did not give up anything she wanted or needed to be with him.  

Yes, he may be a good man who really is doing his absolute best.  The question is - would his current best be good enough for the long haul? If the answer is no, it doesn’t make either of you a lesser person.  It simply means you are two people whose needs aren’t aligned. I think women sometimes accept less than we really want in a man.  Sometimes we do so out of fear of judgment for not wanting a “good man” who is not able to provide the lifestyle we desire. Most often we do so because we convince ourselves that a man has the potential to grow into who we want him to be; despite him repeatedly showing us exactly who he is.  So, we place our needs on a shelf labeled as compromises without understanding that they are sacrifices which will eventually become resentments.  Don’t ever accuse a man of not living up to his potential when what you really mean is that he didn’t live up to your expectations.