Love Begins With Me
When I began working on my first novel, Something Deeper, I had no idea how much of my personal experiences would be poured onto those pages. Despite the differences in each character, the women all represent fragments of me at various stages of growth. Also represented to some degree are remnants of the women who have been most influential in my life. I can’t say that all were positive influences. As a matter of fact, a few of these relationships lead to some very bad decisions but, in the end, each resulted in powerful lessons learned and ultimately helped to shape the woman I am today. Without even realizing it Something Deeper became a homage to this mosaic of women stumbling through life, fighting for firm footing while trying to find something more profound than what they have experienced so far.
When I think of the woman who has had the greatest impact on me, it is without a doubt my maternal grandmother, Delcine. Grandma wasn’t a woman of many words. She had a shy smile and, to this day, I’ve never known anyone with a more loving and giving spirit. Despite her soft demeanor, to me, she represented unrelenting strength. She worked hard to support her family and did so without complaint or ever expecting anything in return. To Grandma, family extended far beyond those related by blood. So, her self-imposed obligations extended to many who didn’t bare the family name.
Nobody could throw down in the kitchen like Grandma and there was always lots of food to go around. She somehow managed to create dishes that were a perfect marriage of our traditional Jamaican cuisine with the Bahamian influences acquired after many years of living in Freeport, Grand Bahamas. The normal aroma of the house was always that of something cooking or baking. Sunday dinners were always my favorite because every one was like a holiday. On Sunday, there was no such thing as one main course in Grandma’s kitchen. You never knew who was going to stop by so there was always a variety of options to accommodate the preference of the many unplanned guests that always seems to show up. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of me just sitting in the kitchen watching her cook and to this day, I still associate a happy home as one filled with a lot of home cooked food.
Even though I learned a lot from her, the greatest lessons Grandma taught me were the importance of strength and love. She taught me that, even though life will always present challenges, nothing is ever gained by standing still in it for too long. As a woman, as a mother, it’s my responsibility to be resilient and channel the strength to push past any trial placed on my path. She taught me to live my life in a way that sets an example of what a woman should be for my children. She also lived in a way that demonstrated the importance of love. Not just love of family and friends, but also self-love because watching her live so selflessly taught me the importance of maintaining balance. I knew that she loved her family. I knew that she loved seeing us happy, but I always wondered if she was truly happy with her life outside of us.
That desire, that need to feel and be loved is oftentimes at the core of most bad decisions we make. We enter relationships prematurely and sometimes take up residence in empty spaces for way too long hoping that, if we love hard enough, love will eventually be returned. We focus on the challenges in our external life without understanding that it is a direct reflection of what we feel and believe about ourselves. Loving and respecting yourself allows you to navigate life in a way that sets healthy boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate.
Even though Grandma is no longer with us, her presence is forever interwoven in the fabric of my life. I always smile and think of her when someone expresses appreciation for my skills in the kitchen. I blame her for my tendency to always cook too much for my small family. I think of her shy smile and remember that I need to live my life boldly - to show my children that making one’s self a priority in no way impedes the ability to love and care for someone else. I remember her life as a demonstration of strength and courage to survive adversity and it serves as a reminder that I can do the same because the Something Deeper that I need is already within me.