A Stirring

Have you ever woken up one day and just feel like you need a change in your life?

Maybe you were finally coming to terms with being in the wrong relationship.  Maybe you were no longer able to deny the discontent you feel from your job. Maybe it was just a burning desire to finally take that trip or to start that project you’ve been thinking about for a while.  Or maybe it was just a feeling of being stuck and not really being sure what the source of that feeling was. 

A few weeks ago, I left work on a Friday evening feeling tired and looking forward to the weekend.  As usual, dinner with the boys was spent chatting about their day and what they had planned for the weekend.  I then took a shower, turned off my phone, grabbed the remote and settled into bed with a glass of Shiraz. My big plans for the evening were to do absolutely nothing at all.  I didn’t feel focused enough to read or write. I wasn’t in the mood for anything heavy emotionally. I just wanted to be still for a while. I found myself not really being able to focus on what I was watching, so I turned off the T.V., lit a few scented candles and decided to meditate.

I started to realize that the work week wasn’t the source of my exhaustion.  As a matter of fact, I wasn’t physically tired. I just felt...sad. I was confused by this realization because there was absolutely nothing going on in my life for me to be unhappy about.  So, I started a mental assessment of each important aspect of my life; trying to identify the source of my sadness. Were there potential underlying issues driving the unease I was feeling? My children – both doing amazingly well.  Relationship – a happy work in progress, but what real relationship doesn’t have the occasional hiccup? Work – I love what I’m doing, projects are on track and the stress level within the norm. Family and friends – everyone healthy and not dealing with anything too heavy to carry.    Me – hmm...not sure how to answer that one.

My inability to honestly answer how I am doing – me as a woman, independent of my role to everyone else in my life – was unsettling.  Shouldn’t Sophia, the woman be first on that list of everyone doing well?  I then noted that I even placed myself last in the evaluation process.  I’m not sure why this was even surprising because it was also symbolic of how I prioritize my well-being and the things that are important to me. I have a propensity to give to everyone else and whatever is left, if anything, is mine.  

After identifying the source, I finally understood that what I initially thought was physical exhaustion, would probably be best described as spiritual unrest.  I kept repeating the same sentence in my head – I need a stirring; something to shake things up a little.  So, I started digging deeper.  What could I do differently?  Am I clear on what my purpose is?  Am I truly living my definition of happy?  It’s not that I’m unhappy or I don’t take time for myself.  The issue is that I’m not doing so consistently because I’m too busy making sure that everyone and everything else is cared for first.  

Since that night, I have been working hard on changing my whole mindset.   Identifying what needs to change was easy but letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be in order to become who I want to be has been hard.  I’m gaining better perspective of what I should and shouldn’t give my energy to.  I’m learning to allow my sons more independence. I am being more intentional about not blocking myself from new opportunities by not making myself and my needs a priority.  I still haven’t quite figured out what that stirring  is but I’m certain that I will eventually identify how to scratch that itch simply by living more authentically.

We all strive to give our absolute best to everything and everyone, personally and professionally.  However, we sometimes fail to realize that we must show up for ourselves before we can truly show up for anyone else.  What makes you your personal best is being whole and being whole requires self-care. So, the next time you feel like something isn’t quite right but you can’t put your finger on it – when you feel as if your spirit isn’t at ease – consider this “what have you done lately to care for and honor yourself first?”  You may discover that you could use a little stirring of your own.