Conversation With an Ex
Recently, I reconnected with an ex who found me on social media and decided to reach out. After the cursory instant message chats, he finally asked if we could have a real conversation to catch up on lost time. Of course, I was a little hesitant because I could already tell where his head was at. Plus knowing our complicated and painful history, I really couldn’t think of anything he could have to say. But still, I allowed curiosity to get the best of me and agreed to a phone call. He didn’t waste much time getting through the obligatory family and professional questions before asking about my current relationship status. Even though I made it clear that I’m in a committed relationship, finding out that it doesn’t include a ring was all he needed to start his stroll down memory lane.
As he reminisced, I couldn’t help chuckling because his recollection of our relationship and the reason for its demise made it obvious that we hadn’t shared the same experience. It’s not that our history was all bad; I just thought it was convenient that all of his memories were seen through rose colored glasses. Sure, he had made a few mistakes but somehow his habitual cheating was just due to his immaturity and my mistake was not realizing that I was the only one he actually loved. Finally, he blurted out “If you had just been more patient and didn’t give up on me, both of our lives would have turned out so different.”
Without realizing it, with that statement, he had told me just how little he had grown during our years apart. He still didn’t feel accountable for his actions. His age was the blame his behavior and my reaction — my inability or unwillingness to simply endure was the reason for our break-up. He didn’t understand that ending the relationship wasn’t about not choosing him. It was about finally choosing me. As I listened to him rant about what a woman like me would have brought to his life, he never got around to discussing what a man like him would have contributed to mine. Unlike him, I didn’t assume that different necessarily meant better.
I laughed politely without adding much to the conversation. I definitely wasn’t entertaining any thoughts of a reconciliation and I didn’t feel like I owed him an explanation for choosing to save myself over loving him. As women, we sometimes assume the burden of trying to love men into being a different version of themselves — the version we envision. We believe that we should ride out the ugly parts because we’re conditioned not give up on those we love. Back then, I was simply walking away from a situation that had just become too painful to remain in. It took years to understand that I was actually freeing us both to discover ourselves. Allowing someone to walk their path, even if it doesn’t include you, is the greatest expression of love.
It wasn't a long conversation, but I hope it was enough for him to understand that we have already shared everything intended for us. Our journeys are no longer aligned. At the end of the conversation, I wished him well and released him just as I did the years ago — with love.