THE END OF LONGING

The framework of our home has long been constructed of the sounds fashioned by my two sons; the warmth of never-ending chatter and laughter. Their combined energy created a home bursting with love and light. When they left for college, the memories of those sounds were like empty echoes etched in my soul. The hush left a longing that was more demanding and rawer than I could have ever anticipated. For a while, it was an ever-present ache, a longing, I could not define.

The hush summoned ghosts that had been suppressed for a while, but never buried. Each demanding to be addressed and finally laid to rest. I began to understand that I was being challenged to reclaim and mend parts of myself that had been tucked away. The emptiness was not just about my sons’ absence, it was my soul calling, moving me to embrace the opportunity to make this season about me. Nudging me to use this time to give myself the kind of love that I have always given to others.

Easing into the solitude is not always easy. Sometimes I find myself searching for ways to fill the silence, rather than welcoming the opportunity to sit with my thoughts and feelings. As I lean into it, I am discovering new interests and new ways of being. I am slowing discovering me.

This morning, I woke wearing a smile. The room felt a little different than it did yesterday. I fluffed the pillows, propped myself up, looked around and noticed that the sunlight bounced off the surfaces a bit brighter, more boldly than prior mornings. The vitality of that display broadened my smile. Then came the awareness of sitting in bed, feeling happy in the moment, not burdened or uneasy. My smile swelled into a soft chuckle.

I reached for my phone and was greeted with two distinct “love you more” texts in response to my message to the boys the night before. My heart felt full, not with the tightness that had become all too familiar, this was joy. There is no longer a feeling of longing. God is calming my spirit and reassuring me that all is well. I am reminded of just how quickly the ground can shift beneath your feet and, before you know it, you are propelled into a new direction. I feel hopeful as I recognize that I am embarking upon a season of redemption and self-discovery. I am prepared to learn from and fully embrace whatever is ahead. I closed my eyes and began my morning prayer. “Father, I thank You...”.