Please Me: Sex and Relationships
Do women in their twenties really know anything about good sex or a healthy relationship? Who even knows themselves well enough at that stage to think beyond what feels good or creates happiness in the moment? Thinking back to myself during that period, I definitely thought I knew it all. The truth is, I didn’t know a damn thing.
In my early twenties, everything I knew about relationships was based on an embryonic mentality and misguided assumptions. I didn’t know what I needed from a man. So, I made the same mistake many young women do — I devalued myself and defined my relationships through my partners and whatever was needed to make them happy. This was also my approach to physical intimacy. My sexual experience matured based on my partners’ preferences, but my sexual education during that period included very little of what I needed for my own pleasure.
I also believed my boyfriend at the time was destined to be my future husband but, in reality, it was the unhealthiest relationship I’ve had to date. He was consistent with dates, gifts and attention — when he wasn’t preoccupied with other women — and I believed these were the hallmarks of a good relationship. Of course, I left — multiple times in fact. But he always crawled back begging for forgiveness and promises of changed behavior. Naiveté told me that his unwillingness to let go meant he cared. Maturity tells me that I was a misguided but willing participant. I honestly don’t know why I even stayed as long as I did. Even though I thought I loved him, I wasn’t happy for quite a while before finally walking away for the last time. There was always a quiet, nagging unease that I couldn’t define or shake. I didn’t understand then that I was starving — dying emotionally. I was learning and blossoming into a woman with self-awareness, but I was still too timid to allow her to use her voice.
So many of us are still stifling that woman inside crying out for liberation. We find it so easy to confront a man when he causes us pain but are still reluctant to be candid about our emotional and physical needs at the onset of the relationship. As women, we are sometimes programmed to believe that our pleasure comes from satisfying our man. We’re not expected to discuss sexual inclinations because this creates the appearance of promiscuity. So, we learn to play the game of pretense. You know the one where you act as if you’ve never done it before but you’re willing to try it for him. Why isn’t more acceptable for a woman to lead her man to new sexual experiences?
It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that I started to understand the importance of owning every facet of myself — even the not so pretty parts still being shaped and fashioned. I’ve been accused of being too straightforward about my needs and expectations, of expecting too much too soon. But experience has taught me that the bedrock of a good relationship is trust and honesty. So, if it can’t begin with authenticity and confidence in knowing that I will be received with openness, the foundation is already flawed.
My current relationship has allowed me to finally understand and experience complete acceptance, despite my imperfections. He accepts, encourages and loves every facet of me. I feel safe expressing every desire, my deepest thoughts and darkest fears. It doesn’t mean we haven’t had our challenges. It means that each has been met with a readiness to listen, the ability to be accountable and the willingness to continually work on loving and pleasing each other in every way.